Misery

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Today John made us miserable. Wait, I meant to say that he told us HOW to be miserable! (I know a few people who don’t need any help in this area and can be perfectly miserable without any help from me, thank you very much.) Of course his point was to show us how our actions and attitudes may be counter-intuitive (I had to look that one up) to our own happiness. I couldn’t help thinking that many of his points mirrored how I often felt about my size.

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First – he said to think (and talk) about yourself as much as possible. I may not have verbalized it very often, but I thought about my weight a lot. A LOT. Like, every time I passed a mirror, or bent over, or tried to button a pair of pants. That was a lot of brain space I used up thinking about myself and how I looked. Being self-absorbed with my physical appearance took away from my ability to be a whole-hearted servant of God. (And by the way, these are MY experiences…I know not every person who struggles with their weight has the same issues as me.) God wants us to “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Phil 2:3). In a weird way, my weight was a source of negative conceit, which one definition explains as an exaggerated opinion of oneself. Losing some of the “baggage” has freed up that section of my brain that was preoccupied with thoughts of ME.

John also said that I could be miserable if I was suspicious and jealous of everyone. Now, being suspicious isn’t one of my character flaws…but I have to admit to some jealousy. Especially if a person was naturally thin, or was successful at losing weight. I wondered what it was like for those lucky thin girls to slide into a pair of size 8 jeans, or ESPECIALLY to be able to (1) eat a juicy hamburger, (2) dip their fries into ranch dressing and then (3) chow down on a chocolate-drizzled slab of cheesecake without gaining an ounce. Sigh. I guess I still have some work to do on this jealousy thing. But yes – I also used to be jealous of people who managed to lose weight. If I could, I would write the following sentence in a teeny tiny font where you couldn’t read it. I would tell myself “they’ll gain it all back.” The thought of the possibility of my friends hoping I’ll gain my weight again makes me sad. I’ve learned to appreciate even more what God says about love – it is kind and doesn’t envy and doesn’t think evil of others. I am thankful for friends who rejoice when I rejoice and weep when I weep – and I regret the times I have not been a better friend to others in this way. I am resolved to do better.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I feel like I should pay a therapist’s fee to whoever reads my blog. But don’t hold your breath.

Food log for the day: 1 ½ cup raisin brain in milk for breakfast; roasted chicken breast and ½ cup pinto beans for lunch; too many of my favorite Buffalo Pretzel chips, spring mix salad with 2 oz chicken breast, boiled egg, 2 tbsp feta cheese, and 2 tsp Olive Garden dressing (FROM SAM’S – GO GET SOME, IT’S YUMMY!) for supper, and a package of maple cream of wheat for a snack. And I confess to eating 6 M&M’s. And a teaspoon of peanut butter.

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